The Struggle is Real and I Am Tired

My leap of faith journey has been many things; exciting, scary, surprising, fulfilling. But in this moment, I am struggling.

It's been hard to admit, especially when people always greet me with "you look like you're doing so well" or "I see you doing your thing, well done, you're so inspiring".

But financially, I need money lol.

I need money for my musical and I need money for me! The frustrating thing about needing money for the musical is that I was in the same dilemma last year and we overcame, but this year I don't know how to get out of it.

Putting on a production is EXPENSIVE! Our arts council application was rejected last year so we crowdfunded and secured corporate sponsorship which helped tremendously. This year, we're still waiting on a decision but I'm unsure of what we'll do if we're rejected again as crowdfunding isn't an option. Though we have a little profit from last year, it's not enough to pull off the project again.

In terms of needing money for me, sometimes I feel like all the work I'm putting in is having little pay off (financially and, sometimes, in terms of opportunities to be honest). I've never made heaps off my projects, and what I do make I reinvest. With Love Thy Fro: The Musical, the team and I agreed to no payment because it's bigger than money for us. We wanted to invest everything we made into taking the show to the next level - which we are trying to do.

But as a 28 year old single woman with no kids, I still want to live my life!

Sometimes I feel guilty for complaining about finances when I know there are people worse off, because it's not like I have absolutely nothing and don't get to do ANYTHING. And I understand that in order to really achieve you have to be willing to sacrifice many things, and sometimes living your best life is part of that. But I'm a firm believer of trying to sacrifice within reason because time is the one thing you can't get back and, yes I'm building, but I don't want to live with any regrets.

I want to make an impact and build a legacy, but I also want a life rich in memories.

In the grand scheme of things it's still kind of early days for me, but I feel like it's taking me forever and a day to see a return on my emotional, mental and financial investment 🙁

Mentally, I'm drained from juggling all the hats I'm wearing and trying to find the perfect balance. I've tried to implement working hours but, with so much to be done, I find I never have enough time so I just work. As a result, I'm becoming physically tired and I've developed this super annoying twitch on the left side of my nose that comes and goes throughout the day!

I'm in a constant cycle of trying to keep my head down and grind it out, but also not becoming so consumed with the process that I don't take time to just live my life or practice self care, but I'm yet to find that equilibrium.

I'm trying to master my mindset, speaking only positive things and keeping only positive energy, but that can sometimes feel like you're living in denial. I feel guilty for wanting to say "I'm TIRED, I need money and I'm getting fed up of the closed doors and no's".

I'm blessed that my mentality won't let me quit what I'm doing, I believe in my projects and passions, but I can't ignore what I'm feeling. I keep reminding myself I have the right to feel like this, I just can't allow myself to sit in these negative emotions for too long.

I guess there is no real resolution to this post. It's more so just a diary entry to mark this moment, and a glimpse for others to maybe relate to. The struggle is real, but the road to success is never easy.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading.

I would loveeeeee to know if anyone else is also experiencing the struggle, and the difficulty of maintaining an effective balance as I could use some advice! I've also created a closed Facebook group for "leap of faithers" (lol), a support group of sorts that I hope will provide a community for people to share experiences and connect with. Feel free to join 🙂